The difference between life and death.
I know them both so well. And both are available in every moment. I know that the truth has set me free, and I can choose to believe that and walk in who He is and has made me to be. So it is a choice, though sometimes I don’t know how to make that choice. Sometimes I cannot seem to enter back into life when I’ve realized I stepped out of it. But it is a stark difference, and it is not as though I do something drastic to take myself out of His life. It is the quiet shift that happens and then I am not operating out of His strength anymore. Then the fear, doubt, and judgement come creeping back in. The frustration, despair, loneliness, all coming from an unwillingness to let go.
But when we chose to let go, is when life can flow through. That’s where we can abide and rest in His love, grace, mercy, joy, peace, forgiveness, and it can flow through us. I want to reside in that place, and not step in and out of it when needed or at my end. It is available right now.
Even though it is difficult to seem to be in a place of darkness, I am grateful for the grace my Lord has on me to expose the things I’m not letting go of. Above all, I trust Him, and such is the first step.
A bit ago, I was not walking in His life, and I didn’t even know why. Then one day, we went to pray over dinner, and I just felt a release of condemnation and judgement, and life flowed. I could love people the right way; with His love, and not from striving to give from myself or receive something in return. I had joy and peace, and didn’t feel lonely or effected by circumstances. Well… that lasted a couple of days, and I gradually switched to trying out of my own strength. I could easily get frustrated with myself, which I did, and still do sometimes, but that is the same frustration that keeps me in a place of condemnation and guilt. I constantly have to remind myself that I trust Him, and of His grace for me.
Romans 8:6 ‘For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.’
John 5:24 ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life.’
Here is an excerpt from my journal while in a place of darkness:
Supposedly Free
Im supposedly free. I’m supposedly full of joy, and love, and power at that. Some days, it is the truth. Most days, my mind knows it should be true. It knows as well, that if it were true, things would be different. Things would be real. I wouldn’t feel so fake all the time, so plastic and dry. I wouldn’t have drooping eyes and pining thoughts. I would be alive right now… I think. And thus it leads me to believe that I’ve done wrong, that it became false somewhere along the line. Because I remember the times when it was real. I don’t know what I did to get here or how to get back, but I know, in my mind, it’s the only thing worth fighting for, and hopefully soon, I’ll know it in my heart.
And so herein lies the difference. I was more sick this weekend than I have been in awhile, and I was dealing with fear and separation- seeing with my own eyes- and despairing. Then, they were praying for us sicklings. Near the end of the prayer, someone came over to me and placed their hand on my shoulder. With that act of love, I felt the Father’s love and was reminded of his perspective and His grace. I broke down, and then, I was singing. I was reminded of Paul and Silas in the prison when they were singing praises. They could have despaired because of their circumstances and saw only in the perspective of the world, but instead they praised God. It is because they knew God, and His ways, and they trusted Him. I’m stumbling along, but I thank God for teaching me, and bringing life, having grace and love, and exposing darkness to the light.
John 8:12 ‘Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”‘
Belief can change a man. It can be the difference between freedom and captivity, between joy and sorrow, between struggle and victory, between a frown or a smile. It can keep one in the dark, or lead one to the light. It is the difference between death, and life.
Jenny, you’ve expressed so well the choice. The walk in the Holy Spirit. The reality that there is no in-between. Yes, life or death. Such a great blog. Love you.